I'm Still Not What I Want To Be

So I'm 38 years old today and I'm still not what I want to be in life. Don't worry this is not going to be one of those boohoo feel sorry for me blogs talking about the "things" I have not accumilated in my life yet. This is also not about my apparent low self-esteem, because everyone who knows me, knows that is a false diagnosis of my condition. I don't suffer from low self-esteem.

No, my longing is for something else, something deeper.

You see, I wanted to share my thoughts which consumed me last night to see if maybe they are yours as well. I went to bed contemplating who I am and who I want to be and cried at the reality that the two are vastly different. My husband, Scott, tried to tell me what a great person I am and how I should be content with what I've done in life and though I wanted to agree with him, I couldn't.  I'm not there yet. I'm not even close.

                                                              

I used to tell the story of the night I went crazy. It was about 15 years ago on a Friday night when I ordered pizza to be delivered to our home. It was really late and the pizza still hadn't arrived. I was super hungry and well you don't mess with a Banda and their food. After waiting almost 2 hours, I called the pizza place and the guy, who I guess was about 17 years old, tells me that they cancelled my order because they could not deliver to my area of town anymore. I was so mad! I let him have it and called him all sorts of names. I threatened him and eventually hung up on him while he was speaking to me and trying to explain things to me. Even after I hung up on him, I was upset and continued to be in a bad mood for the rest of the night. The next morning, I got up and started to get ready for church and something inside of me, who I know now was God, reminded me of every word I said to that poor teenage pizza guy. I started to feel ashamed of my words, as I should have because I was guilty of the greatest sin, not loving my neighbor. It only took me 12 hours to react with love, but I was thankful to God for reminding me that I was called to be a better person.

I look at myself today and can't imagine yelling at a pizza guy for canceling my order. That is just so off the wall. I can't believe that's who I was. I don't recognize that person anymore.  I've changed. I'm better. Now when faced with opposition, it only takes me 5 hours to react with love as opposed to 12, but 5 hours is still too long. I want to be even better than that. I want to react with love to opposition immediately, not 12 hours later and not even 5 hours later. 

I'm still not where I want to be. I want to be a better person and so I continue on my journey.  Hope you will too.

A Big Waste of Time

So I heard on the news the other day that social media networks such as Facebook were voted the biggest waste of time. Though I believe the majority of people would agree with this, I, on the otherhand, don't. My first inclination is to talk about the wonderful social aspects of Facebook, because I've always been a social person. I love hanging out with people and talking. I probably talk too much, except at work. For some reason at work, I tend to wear a different personality, but this is not about that.

I guess what I wanted to focus on in this quick blog is the constant blame we make on things for that which we fail at. In this instance, its Facebook.  I'm sure there is a blog out there that tells about all the evils of Facebook. The point of this blog is not to defend Facebook, but to put the blame where it really needs to go, our discipline of time.

It reminds of the debate about McDonald's and their menu of fatty foods. The statement was made that eating at McDonalds will make you gain weight. This was made famous by the movie Super Size Me, a documentary about eating at McDonald's for one month by Morgan Spurlock. After eating at McDonalds for one month, Spurlock gained 25 lbs and 7% body fat.  However, contrary to Mr. Spurlock, a woman named Merab Morgan ate only at McDonalds for 9 months and lost 33 lbs by eating only 1400 calories a day. The point is that McDonald's doesnt make you fat, your choices make you fat. I am not advocating McDonalds and do feel McDonalds is not the best place to eat, but where should the blame really be, McDonalds or our discipline of choice?

So, if you are not disciplined with eating right, don't go to McDonald's because you will gain weight, but the important thing is that discipline is the key. The truth is, an excess of anything good can turn terribly bad and the discipline of limiting the excess is what we lack.

The same reasoning applies to social media networks. The creation of these networks have helped families divided by cities and even countries to reconnect.  They are good when used for good and they are good when prioritized appropriately. Its not a waste of time to talk to friends or to look at pictures of your grandbaby who lives far away. It is not a waste of time to reconnect with the friend you've lost touch with years ago and share an encouraging word. However, if not disciplined with your use of social media networks, it can be hurtful. Spending more time on Facebook than you do with your spouse or playing games on Facebook instead of washing the clothes your kids need for school is definitely a big waste of time.

The key to all things good is discipline.

By the way, number three on the survey of wasted time activities was our jobs. Hmm? Now that's one I can agree with :)

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge but fools despise wisdom and discipline." Proverbs 1:7