I'm Still Not What I Want To Be

So I'm 38 years old today and I'm still not what I want to be in life. Don't worry this is not going to be one of those boohoo feel sorry for me blogs talking about the "things" I have not accumilated in my life yet. This is also not about my apparent low self-esteem, because everyone who knows me, knows that is a false diagnosis of my condition. I don't suffer from low self-esteem.

No, my longing is for something else, something deeper.

You see, I wanted to share my thoughts which consumed me last night to see if maybe they are yours as well. I went to bed contemplating who I am and who I want to be and cried at the reality that the two are vastly different. My husband, Scott, tried to tell me what a great person I am and how I should be content with what I've done in life and though I wanted to agree with him, I couldn't.  I'm not there yet. I'm not even close.

                                                              

I used to tell the story of the night I went crazy. It was about 15 years ago on a Friday night when I ordered pizza to be delivered to our home. It was really late and the pizza still hadn't arrived. I was super hungry and well you don't mess with a Banda and their food. After waiting almost 2 hours, I called the pizza place and the guy, who I guess was about 17 years old, tells me that they cancelled my order because they could not deliver to my area of town anymore. I was so mad! I let him have it and called him all sorts of names. I threatened him and eventually hung up on him while he was speaking to me and trying to explain things to me. Even after I hung up on him, I was upset and continued to be in a bad mood for the rest of the night. The next morning, I got up and started to get ready for church and something inside of me, who I know now was God, reminded me of every word I said to that poor teenage pizza guy. I started to feel ashamed of my words, as I should have because I was guilty of the greatest sin, not loving my neighbor. It only took me 12 hours to react with love, but I was thankful to God for reminding me that I was called to be a better person.

I look at myself today and can't imagine yelling at a pizza guy for canceling my order. That is just so off the wall. I can't believe that's who I was. I don't recognize that person anymore.  I've changed. I'm better. Now when faced with opposition, it only takes me 5 hours to react with love as opposed to 12, but 5 hours is still too long. I want to be even better than that. I want to react with love to opposition immediately, not 12 hours later and not even 5 hours later. 

I'm still not where I want to be. I want to be a better person and so I continue on my journey.  Hope you will too.